More stupid pirate story

(They pull into port.  There’s plenty of other pirate ships, most of which are way bigger than their own.  Their giant squid is held in a net dragging below the ship)

A one eyed, grizzly bearded, torn up looking guy greets them as they steer the ship into the shipyard

One Eyed Official:  Greetings travelers, looking to dock?  It’s a hefty price for undocumented travelers such as yourself.

Duke:  (Surveying the goings-on around the area)  Captain, this looks like complete anarchy out there.  These are real pirates.

One Eyed Official:  (starts to laugh but it turns into a cough)  Who’s your number two?  This errand boy?  Are you sure this isn’t some sort of vacation cruise you’re taking these boys on?

Captain:  This isn’t no cruise, I’m under secret orders from the magistrate herself.

One Eyed Official:  Oh, you’re letting a woman order you around?

Captain:  How much to put up my ship?

OEO:  I’m having some second thoughts about it.  How’s 200 dollars sound?

Captain:  Dollars?  All I’ve got is gold coins.

OEO:  You ARE old school, aren’t you?  No one uses coins anymore.  They’ve been phased out.

Captain:  Wait… but… it’s gold.  I mean look.  It’s shiny.  Just like the kind they have in Fort Knox.

(gangs of suspicious looking perps gather around the outside of the boat)

Duke:  I don’t like the looks of these guys, captain.

(Captain takes OEO aside)

Captain:  Look, we were stranded at sea for months.  Could have been years.  I lost track of time.

OEO:  What’s it to me?

Captain:  We found this magic rock, and it lead us here.

OEO:  Where’d you get this?

(Police come out)

OEO:  There’s an old man near and dear to our hearts carries this rock on him at all times.  Sure, it’s not really a magic rock, it’s actually from the guest shop, but nonetheless it’s one of a kind.  He wouldn’t have given this to you.

(Don steps up aboard)

Captain:  Don go back down this ain’t got nothing to do with you.

Don:  How do you screw up being able to park the ship?  This has to be one of the easiest things to do.

OEO:  What are you doing down in the cargo hold?  It’s easy to tell you’d be a hell of a lot better of a captain than this guy.

Don:  I apologize for our captain.  We’ll pay any amount of money necessary to compensate you and set feet on solid land again.

OEO:  Not so fast!  We’ll have to inspect your cargo first.  No sense bringing in some sort of seaborn illness.

Don:  Take the ship as far as I’m concerned.  This is as far as I needed to go.

Captain:  Don?...

Don:  Do I have to explain this to you, Captain?  I needed to get out of that Podunk, hillbilly town.  I want to start a new life. 

OEO:  We all want to start over sometime, don’t we?

Captain:  You can’t shake your heritage.  Where you came from, what you did.

Don:  That’s where you’re wrong, Captain.  Look around, look at how foreign this place is.  No one knows me here, no one recognizes my face.  As far as these people are concerned I’m just another guy on the street.

Captain:  Well that’s alright, granted you want to be just another guy on the street.

Don:  You mean as opposed to you?  A captain?  Maybe we aren’t so much different after all.  You just one day decided you hated your terrible wife, your brat kids, your awful job, and here you are out at sea.  You’re only running away, aren’t you?  You think that pirate hat gives you status?

Duke:  You got it all wrong, Duke.  That isn’t why the Captain is here.

Captain:  Shut up Duke, this isn’t your battle.  Don, I believe you’ve gone too far.  (takes the gloves off)

Don:  You’re a real man now?  And you want to fight me with the police surrounding us?  You’re off to a bad start here in… where the hell are we, anyway?

OEO:  This is the pirate town of Latevia.

Don:  Can you believe that?

OEO:  What?

Don:  The Captain has somehow got us where he said we were going.

Duke:  Even I admit that was Quixotic at best.

Don:  (Takes out wallet, turns out he’s loaded)  Here’s 300, take an extra fourty for yourself.  As for you fellas, good luck out there.  Hopefully I’ll never see you again.

Isaac comes up from brig

Duke:  What are we supposed to do once we’ve come here, again?

Captain:  Supposed to meet up with our contact.  Only thing is, we lost the order sheet the day after we pushed off.  Lucky for us Don remembered what the name of the town we were supposed to go to was, I lost it a long time ago.

Duke:  You’re going entirely on intuition.

Charles:  Think it sounds more like he’s a crazy son of a bitch with nothing to lose.

Captain:  Right in between both of those.

Charles:  So you plan on going around town asking people if they’re the contact you’re supposed to meet?

(Isaac scurries up from downstairs)

Isaac:  Where’s my uncle?

Captain:  Oh no, Isaac! I don’t know how to tell you this, but your uncle is gone.

Isaac:  Gone?  That son of a bitch gone and abandoned me again?  (he runs off into the city)

(Duke starts chasing after him)

Captain:  Let him go, Duke.

Duke:  Captain, he’s one of ours.  We don’t have many loyal men.

Captain:  He isn’t loyal to us he’s loyal to Don.  Frankly, he ain’t gonna catch that son of a bitch one way or another.

Duke:  Well what if he gets killed?

(There’s an uproar on the shore)

Duke: What do you think it is?

Captain:  Shhhh.

They overhear a man yell, “This is him!  This is our islands grandpa!”

Captain:  Better we run after Isaac than we get sucked into in the judicial process.

Duke:  Why don’t we just tell them the truth?  That Don threw him overboard?

Captain:  That’s an extremely convenient story for us.  I’m not exactly sure these people are as rational as you are.  Real world doesn ‘t work like your books.