New fiction! Stupid pirate story!

I think I'm going to stick at this stupid pirate story as a writing exercise for awhile.  Nothing feels better than getting some writing out there onto the page, I can tell you that!  And you'd believe it because you know it's true.

Now I don't write as much because the letter n broke on my keyboard. 

Duke is into traditional pirate stories, Blackbeard, Robert Louis Stevenson, Pirate talk, etc.  He’s also superstitious.  He’s pursuing a life in pirating in subversion of his parents plans. 

Captain:  Duke what do you see out there?

Duke:  You know, it’s pretty dark. 

Captain:  Even if it’s dark!  What do you see out there?

Duke:  Why don’t you just look yourself?

Captain:  Duke, I’ve told you a million times not to address me that way.  I am your captain.

Charles and Doris are playing some old person card game

Charles:  Give the boy a break, a power trip won’t ingratiate you to anyone on this ship.

Captain:  Charles, stay out of this.  Do you want to get land or not?  That’s what I thought, Charles.

Duke:  Hold on, look, a light is flashing out there.

Captain:  Where?

Duke:  See, way out there. 

Captain:  That’s probably just a buoy or maybe a… what light?

Duke:  That’s funny, it went out.

Captain:  Gimme that.  (camera switches to his zoomed in view)  There’s nothing out there, Duke.  (sighs)  Thank you for your service, keep on looking out there.

Duke:  Aye aye, captain.

Captain:  No one says that, Duke.  Goddamn it Duke, we were going to end the night on a good note and everything.

(He checks out food parlor)

Captain:  No midnight snack for me…  Cured beef!

Old cook lady bursts in

Florence:  Captain, we’re on a strict regiment!  (knocks it out of his hand)

Captain:  What good is it going to do anyone in the middle of the floor?

Florence:  Captain, you’ve had us sailing in circles for nigh on two weeks.  I have 3 grandbibbies at home, wondering where there women is at.  If there’s any luck, Charles hasn’t got himself sick and in bed again.

Captain:  Charles, that no good husband of yours.  If he worked a day in his life you wouldn’t even have to be here.

Florence:  That’s another thing!  Even if we do find land, is there any guarantee you’ll even be able to pay your workers?

Captain:  Would you keep it down, morale is low enough as it is!  I don’t need a mutiny!  First thing tomorrow morning, we’ll drop anchor and do some fishing.

Captain goes to office of accountant

Accountant:  Come on in, sit down, sit down.

(He’s mixing a bright blue concoction)

Captain:  What the hell is that?  Some sort of poison?

Accountant:  This will put me into a coma for about a month.  By that time, we’ll be at land.  My body will freeze into a temporary stasis, so I won’t need food.  I know rations are getting scarce…

Captain:  I forbid you to drink that coma juice!  Givey here!

(Accountant chugs it while holding him off with an outstretched arm)

Captain:  What am I supposed to do if you die?!  I can’t talk to any of them city slicker folks.  They see me for exactly what I am.  No one on this ship respects me.

Accountant:  If you want people to like you better, show a little bit of confidence here or there.

(Duke shouts from upstairs)  Captain come quick!

(Captain runs out)

Captain:  A god damn seamonster?!  (Accountant collapses audibly)

Duke:  I don’t know if it’s a seamonster.

Captain:  That was a goddamn tendril and you know it.  Irregardless, we best be loading up the cannons.

Down below, the munition people are asleep on bunk beds

He shakes a midget, who punches him in the nose.  His nose breaks, and he has to pop it back in.  Everyone laughs because it looks funny.

Captain:  Fuck.  I’ll kick your ass later, you little midget asshole.  We’ve got a seamonster up there, arms going crazy.

Don:  (Soft spoken, logical)  You want I should go up and have a look at it?

Captain:  We’re running out of time.  What I want you should do is load up the goddamn cannons.

Don:  We don’t have any ammunition.  (Don is upset that he wasn’t made captain, and is uncooperative)

Captain:  What good is it to employ all of you boys when we don’t even have any ammunition?!  Well, we’re going to be killed, aren’t we?

Isaac:  Well why don’t we just change course, then?

Captain:  We’re out in open water, no one knows exactly how big this bath tub is.

Isaac:  I don’t know, we have a general idea.

Captain:  The fact of the matter, Mr. Fancy Pants, is that we should have touched land nary 3 days ago.  If we changed course now, we might be running out of food.

(Ship starts shaking)

Captain:  Lot of good it did us standing around and talking, looks like we’re on a collision course with the beast itself.

(They’re back out on the deck)

Captain:  Isaac, you been down there since we took off haven’t you?  Your skin looks like it saw a ghost and went bright white.

Isaac:  It’s my condition.  I can’t get too much sunlight.

Duke:  This is too early in the story for the belly of the whale portion.

Captain:  Now relax, Isaac, this creature ain’t got a stomach big enough to swallow our ship.  Stab at it with your swords, men!  Its suction cups are especially susceptible to piercing.  Kind of a clunky creature, trying to eat a big old ship like this.  And it’s big eyeballs are right in stabbing distance. 

Duke:  Yeah, this isn’t exactly a kraken.

Captain:  I almost feel sorry for the sucker, look at his big overgrown whiskers.  Looks like a hobo hasn’t shaved in a while.

They sever a tendril, it reels back in fear.

Don:  Look, one of its big old paws is stuck.  I think it got all tangled up with us on accident.

They cut open the beasts face, and a man wearing a barrel pulls himself out like he’s just being born.

Don:  Another mouth to feed, what do you say we just toss him back over?

Captain:  That’s inhumane, sir, we won’t be doing that.  Let’s wake this sucker up (he slaps him around a little bit)

Old man:  Huh, what?  Where?

Captain:  You’re aboard the SS Constantinople.  I’m your captain, Harvey Blackface.  These are my boys, Don the shipwright, Isaac our marine life specialist, Duke the intern.

Duke:  Folklore expert and writer, actually.

Old man:  What’s that to me? 

Captain:  What were you doing inside of that squids brain?

Old man:  Huh?  Oh shit.  Now I remember.  Oh shit oh shit oh shit.

Captain:  Calm down calm down.

Old man:  I reckon you boys don’t know where you’ve sailed yourself into.

Captain:  I’m a pretty competent sailor, I’d like to say.  We’re heading to Montenegro, ever heard of it?

Old man:  You boys have sailed right into the Devil’s triangle.

Captain:  Devil’s triangle?

Duke:  I’ve never heard of such a place.

Old man:  Well I kind of just call it that.  (starts coughing uncontrollably)