Another new one!

(The chef brings out a gross looking sandwich on a dirty plate)

Captain:  I haven’t trusted any of the food we’ve seen since leaving port.

Duke:  (Pulls out Velcro Mickey Mouse wallet)

Captain:  We need to get you a new wallet.

Quentin:  Say, that’s a good idea.  Why doesn’t everyone take their wallets out?

Captain:  Not a chance.

Quentin:  Did you see what I did to the other guy?

Captain:  He got thrown out.

Quentin used to be a big criminal and now he’s stranded on this island.  His crew abandoned him with their boat when they came to shore here.  He’s trying to steal their boat.

Quentin:  Alright, anyone mind that I’m the dealer?

Duke:  I’ll deal.

Quentin:  You don’t know how to deal.

Captain:  This doesn’t seem like a clean game.

Quentin:  Siddown!  How about my friend here Marco deals?

(Marco is a pretty shady character.  Big scar across his face, enormous arms, wife beater)

Captain:  No, see, impartial means that it’s not someone you are associated with.

Quentin:  Big slick coming in here with his country grammar.  Well I’m sorry this is my casino, my rules.  Do you want to play or not?

Captain:  No we don’t want to play, we want to be on our way.

(police boat pulls up outside dinging its police bell)

Captain:  Saved by the bell.

Quentin:  It’s all the same you two penniless penny pinchers probably don’t have a penny to your name.

(They’re walking quickly outside)

Duke:  How do you just let him talk to you like that?

Captain:  We’ll wait for the correct opportunity; maybe he’s facing the other direction standing at the end of a pier in shark infested waters.  Then we’ll kick that bugger in there.

Duke:  Captain, I’m just going to let you know about this for future reference.  I’ve got my grandfathers bowie kni…  (starts unwrapping it)

Captain:  What business you have with a big knife like that?  Cleaning fish? Put that damn thing away.

(Captain doesn’t like violence)

Duke:  My grandfather was an admiral.

Captain:  You have a little bit of a conflict of interest going on, don’t you?

Duke:  What do you mean?

Captain:  You say you’re here for field work, or school, or whatever.  But you got pirate in your blood.

Duke:  When did you decide you were going to be a pirate?

Captain:  Decide?  You think this is a choice?

Duke:  Captain, it’s pretty clear you haven’t been out here very long.  You don’t know what to do in the face of adversity, you run off pretty much every time.

Captain:  That’s what a good thief does; run away unscatched.

Duke:  But I haven’t seen you steal anything yet either!

Captain:  Well we just got here.

Duke:  Ok so look in the window of that store.  There’s a golden candlestick.  Steal it.

Captain:  I’ll steal it when we’re leaving.  We still haven’t met up with our contact.

Duke:  You don’t know who he is or what his name is!

Captain:  Jeez Duke, you make this pirate thing sound so easy.  How do you fathom we do this?

Duke:  You aren’t even a real pirate.  It says in the oath that if a pirate is challenged he’s gotta take on that challenge.  It’s what makes a captain a captain.

Captain:  Where’s it say this?  Pirates don’t use books.

Duke:  You aren’t even a captain!

Captain:  You want me to steal that candlestick?  Alright.

Duke:  Wait!  Captain!  You were right, we just got here!  And we have to find Isaac…

Quentin:  This must be their ship… what a pathetic little vessel.

Doris:  Charles, there’s a strange man looking at us.

Quentin:  (puts hat over heart)  Excuse me miss, who is the captain of this vessel?

Doris:  (looks at Charles disapprovingly)  What’s it to ya?

Quentin:  I just ran into an affable pair of men in the saloon, said they just parked their boat in the harbor here.  I’m afraid I beat those boys gambling, and now this is my ship.

Charles:  Captain’d be dumb enough to bet the ship, but Dukey wouldn’t have let him do something so stupid.

Quentin:  Ah yes, Captain and Duke.  Those were their names.  What business does your Captain have calling himself that?

Charles:  Beats me.  He’s probably trying to hide some past underneath all of that fancy pirate stuff.  He hasn’t exactly fooled any of us.

Quentin:  He said the deed of ownership should be here somewhere.

Captain turns around right before he enters and talks to duke

Captain:  Alright, duke.  There’s a few skills I’ll be using in here.

Duke:  Looks pretty suspicious, doesn’t it?  Two of us out here talking before we enter?

(Captain smiles in at storekeeper, who looks at him perplexed)

Captain:  See, doesn’t expect a thing.  We hold all of the cards here.  This is an old mom and pop store for sure, probably been here a hundred years.  They haven’t seen the tricks I have up my sleeve.

Duke:   Ok, like what?

Captain:  First of all, compliment the crap out of the shop.  Secondly, misdirection.  I’m going to say I like something in the case in front of him.

Cut to him walking in, looking really closely at knick knacks on table, picking up salt shaker and shaking it in his ear and making weird face and putting it back down.

Captain:  Excuse me sir, and a fine night to you.  I like your hat.

Duke:  (groans inaudibly and touches his face)

Storekeeper:  Don’t be touching anything you don’t plan on buying, pirate.

Captain:  I may look like a pirate, yes, I may, but rest assured I am not one.  Until just a few days ago, I was an ordinary Joe working as a baker, your average baker.

Storekeeper:  Baker?  Why’d you stop doing that?

Captain:  Place burnt down.  I won’t let it get me down, though, no.  I’ve came here to try to start anew, a brand new business.

(Backs over by candle, still facing storekeeper)

Storekeeper:  What are you walking all the way over there for if you want to talk to me?  Are you interested in that candle?

Duke:  Excuse me, sir.  We’re here actually more interested in these… ropes you have behind the counter here.

Storekeeper:  I’d appreciate if your friend would come back over here and stop trying to misdirect me.

Duke:  I excuse my uncle, he’s a little bit seasick.  You see, he’s telling the truth, he really doesn’t like to be out at sea.

Captain:  I don’t get seasick, Duke, and you know it.

Duke:  (blank faced)  Do we still need that rope?  You know, to tie the cannons down.  You see, we’re such amateur pirates that we don’t even tie our cannons down, and they roll around down in the basement of the boat all over the place…

Captain:  It’s called a galley, not a basement.

Duke:  We don’t even have cannonballs!

Storekeeper:  S’at right?  You’re also two of the worst thief’s in the world.  What, you think I wouldn’t notice you picked that up?

Captain:  Just admiring the craftsmanship, that’s all.  Real artisan work here.

Storekeeper:  Say, you two boys aren’t from (wherever they’re from, I forget), are ya?  Look just about right, younger weasily guy and incompetent older guy with a death wish. 

Captain:  Maybe… (pockets candlestick)

Storekeeper:  Been sent about a week ago?

Captain:  That’s us!

Storekeeper:  So where is it?

Captain:  Where’s what?

Storekeeper:  Don’t tell me you think the queen would send you here just to chat with an old shopkeeper like myself.

Captain:  Oh, yeah *snaps fingers*.  The… the…

Storekeeper:  Should be a box about this big (gestures). 

Captain:  What’s in it?

Storekeeper:  That’s none of your business, pirate.