Expanded and revised

So I'm going to keep working on this one, I think.  Just see where it goes.  I'm loosely following the journey of the hero (which is what Duke will be talking about most of the time), and yeah that's about it.

Duke is into traditional pirate stories, Blackbeard, Robert Louis Stevenson, Pirate talk, etc.  He’s also superstitious.  He’s pursuing a life in pirating in subversion of his parents plans.  He’s going to get college credit for the trip, and is supposed to be conducting fieldwork but is lazy about it.  He ends up on the looking post most of the time because Captain is afraid of heights. 

The Captain insists on making his own rules on the sea.  He was an extremely unsuccessful businessman with a broken family on the land, and although he spent most of his adult life on ships as a cargo man he has only recently decided he’s a Captain.  For years, he’s referred to himself as one.  It’s a dream, but as they say, a dream that comes easy has little value.

Don Works in the cargo hold.  He has a iffy past, and is a bit of a man of mystery.  He doesn’t even like to set foot on deck because he’s afraid he’ll be identified remotely.  He’s searching for the fountain of youth, or a desert oasis, or a beautiful island to live on.  He also wouldn’t mind coming back a millionaire.  Also, he’s under the impression the Captain is a much better Captain than he actually is.

Accountant Was looking for a quick route to Moltenegro, where he believes there’s a fortune to be made in cane sugar.  He’s an old friend of The Captain’s, and is embezzling money.

Captain:  Duke what do you see out there?

Duke:  You know, it’s pretty dark.  I can’t make heads or tails out of it.  Just looks like a dark fog.

Captain:  Yeah I know it’s dark braniac. 

Duke:  Why don’t you just look yourself?

Captain:  Duke, I’ve told you a million times not to address me that way.  I am your captain.  The Captain.

Charles and Doris are playing some old person card game

Charles:  Give the boy a break, a power trip won’t ingratiate you to anyone on this ship.

Captain:  Charles, stay out of this.  Do you want to get land or not?  That’s what I thought, Charles.  Shut up, Charles.

Duke:  Hold on, look, a light is flashing out there.

Captain:  Where?

Duke:  See, way out there. 

Captain:  That’s probably just a buoy or maybe a… what light?

Duke:  That’s funny, it went out.

Captain:  Gimme that.  (camera switches to his zoomed in view)  There’s nothing out there, Duke.  (sighs)  Thank you for your service, keep an eye on the sea.

Duke:  Aye aye, captain.

Captain:  No one says that, Duke.  Goddamn it Duke, we were going to end the night on a good note and everything.

(He checks out food parlor)

Captain:  No midnight snack for me…  Cured beef!

Old cook lady bursts in

Florence:  Captain, we’re on a strict regimen!  (knocks it out of his hand)

Captain:  What good is it going to do anyone in the middle of the floor?

Florence:  Captain, you’ve had us sailing in circles for nigh on two weeks.  I have 3 grandbibbies at home, wondering where there woman is at.  If there’s any luck, Charles hasn’t got himself sick and in bed again.

Captain:  Charles, best thing that happened to him was marrying you. If he worked as hard as you you wouldn’t even have to be here.

Florence:  Flattery will get you nowhere, Captain.  And another thing, how do you even intend to pay us?

Captain:  Would you keep it down, morale is low enough as it is!  I don’t need a mutiny!  If we don’t find land and reach that treasure, I’ll pay you out of my private collection, how’s that?

Captain goes to office of accountant

Accountant:  Come on in, sit down, sit down.

(He’s mixing a bright blue concoction)

Captain:  What the hell is that?  Some sort of poison?

Accountant:  This will put me into a coma for about a month.  By that time, we’ll be at land.  My body will freeze into a temporary stasis, so I won’t need food.  I know rations are getting scarce…

Captain:  I forbid you to drink that coma juice!  Givey here!

(Accountant chugs it while holding him off with an outstretched arm)

Captain:  What am I supposed to do if you die?!  I can’t talk to any of them city slicker folks.  They see me for exactly what I am.  No one on this ship respects me.

Accountant:  If you want people to like you better, show a little bit of confidence here or there.  If only there was some sort of way I could do this work remotely, we wouldn’t be in this situation.

(Duke shouts from upstairs)  Captain come quick!

(Captain runs out)

Captain:  A god damn seamonster?!  (Accountant collapses audibly)

Duke:  I don’t know if it’s a seamonster.

Captain:  That was a goddamn tendril and you know it.  Irregardless, we best be loading up the cannons.

Down below, the munition people are asleep on bunk beds

He shakes a midget, who punches him in the nose.  His nose breaks, and he has to pop it back in.  Everyone laughs because it looks funny.

Captain:  Fuck.  I’ll kick your ass later, you little midget asshole.  We’ve got a seamonster up there, arms going crazy.

Don:  (Soft spoken, logical)  You want I should go up and have a look at it?

Captain:  We’re running out of time.  What I want you should do is load up the goddamn cannons.

Don:  We don’t have any ammunition.  (Don is upset that he wasn’t made captain, and is uncooperative)

Captain:  What good is it to employ all of you boys when we don’t even have any ammunition?!  Well, we’re going to be killed, aren’t we?

Isaac:  Captain, do I need to remind you again that none of us are trained seaman?  Although, we may have a few good ideas!  Why don’t we just change course, then?

Captain:  We’re out in open water, no one knows exactly how big this bath tub is.  Could change course and end up out here for days.

Isaac:  I don’t know, we have a general idea.

Captain:  The fact of the matter, Mr. Fancy Pants, is that we should have touched land nary 3 days ago.  If we changed course now, we might be running out of food.

(Ship starts shaking)

Captain:  Lot of good it did us standing around and talking, looks like we’re on a collision course with the beast itself.

(They’re back out on the deck)

Captain:  Isaac, you been down there since we took off haven’t you?  Your skin looks like it saw a ghost and went bright white.

Isaac:  It’s my condition.  I can’t get too much sunlight.

Duke:  This is too early in the story for the belly of the whale portion.

Captain:  Now relax, Duke, this creature ain’t got a stomach big enough to swallow our ship.  Stab at it with your swords, men!  Its suction cups are especially susceptible to piercing.  Kind of a clunky creature, trying to eat a big old ship like this.  And it’s big eyeballs are right in stabbing distance. 

Duke:  Yeah, this isn’t exactly a kraken.

Captain:  I almost feel sorry for the sucker, look at his big overgrown whiskers.  Looks like a hobo hasn’t shaved in a while.

They sever a tendril, it reels back in fear.

Don:  Look, one of its big old paws is stuck.  I think it got all tangled up with us on accident.

They cut open the beasts face, and a man wearing a barrel pulls himself out like he’s just being born.

Don:  Another mouth to feed, what do you say we just toss him back over?

Captain:  That’s inhumane, sir, we won’t be doing that.  Let’s wake this sucker up (he slaps him around a little bit)

Old man:  Huh, what?  Where?

Captain:  You’re aboard the SS Constantinople.  I’m your captain, Harvey Blackface.  These are my boys, Don the shipwright, Isaac our marine life specialist, Duke the intern.

Duke:  Folklore expert and writer, actually.

Old man:  What’s that to me? 

Captain:  What were you doing inside of that squid’s brain?

Old man:  Huh?  Oh shit.  Now I remember.  Oh shit oh shit oh shit.

Captain:  Calm down calm down.

Old man:  I reckon you boys don’t know where you’ve sailed yourself into.

Captain:  I’m a pretty competent sailor, I’d like to say.  We’re heading to Montenegro, ever heard of it?

Old man:  You boys have sailed right into the Devil’s triangle.

Captain:  Devil’s triangle?

Duke:  I’ve never heard of such a place.

Old man:  Well I kind of just call it that.  (Starts coughing uncontrollably)

(There’s a tag on the giant squids ear)

Duke:  Hey, this squid is tagged.  Do you think that these waters are moderated?

Captain:  Sure, yeah.  Hey, that’s a good sign.  Must mean we’re getting closer to civilization.

Old man:  You guys got anything to eat around here?

Captain:  Maybe we fry up this giant squid?  Some sort of octopus soup?

Old man:  I ain’t eating this nasty old octopus.  I tasted it as it tasted me when I was inside of there.  It smells like troll feet.

Captain:  Trollfeet?  There’s trolls around here?

(Suddenly an octopus arm juts out and catches the old man, suction cup makes a noise and when it comes off he’s got an enormous bloody circle on his chest)

Duke:  Some sort of old wise man that was.

Don:  You have a lot more compassion for animals than people, huh Duke?

Old man:  I resent that.  It’s just as well, however.  I don’t even know how old I am, where I’m from, where I’m going.  (aggravated)  It’s almost like it attacked because it didn’t like that I said it tasted like trolls feet.

Captain:  Well, we’re just going to have to cut the head off.

Duke:  You can’t cut the head off!  This thing is definitely an endangered species.

Don:  We don’t know where we are, it’s about survival out here.

Duke: So we lose all ethics just like that?

Don:  Well some of us have to survive in the real world, and some of these questions aren’t as clear cut.

Duke:  Maybe this tag has a connection to the creatures life, and when it dies they’ll know and come hunt us down.

Don: Who’s they?  And you know for damn sure there ain’t any technology that can do that.

Duke:  Well I’m not going to prison.

Captain:  Well we do have to eat something.

(Captain is asleep in his quarters.   He looks at picture of his wife and kids)

Captain:  Bernice, how I miss you.  (suddenly he’s extremely sentimental/his lighter side)  The kids, not so much.

(flashback)

He walks into his lighthouse home with a briefcase

Captain:  Honey, I’m home.

Bernice:  (Loud hacking)  Bring any food?

Captain:  (Walks into living room, Bernice is in a fuzzy green chair in front of the TV with a beer bottle balanced on her stomach.)  (Checks watch)  Well, it is after 5.  I’ll have one with you.

Bernice:  Food, Cap’m.  The kids, too.  We gotta eat.

Captain:  Those were good times.  Sigh.  But nah, being a Captain is better.

(He opens a window.  The rubbery scent of burning squid emanates into his nostrils.  A carrier pigeon flies through the window and he removes the attached letter)

He opens the window and sniffs a pungent odor.  Walks out on deck, which is covered in fumes.  Seagulls are huddling up on the far side of the deck.  He shoes them away with his hat.

Duke:  I will not eat this squid.  First of all, it’s purple on the inside.  It smells like melted rubber. 

Don:  Go ahead and starve. 

Captain:  Don’t we have any real food left?

Don:  No, you ate all of it.

Old man is imprisoned in the dungeon part

Captain:  Sorry we didn’t have a guest room for you, this is the best we can do.

Old man:  Blood, corpses, as far as the eye can see.

Captain:  Are you alright? 

Old man:  The island is a volcano.

Captain:  What island, where?

Old man:  Even the animals try to leave.  The squid left.  Tried to save me, too.  And you barbarians killed it…

Duke:  I’ve looked through all of my books of lore, all of my *sneeze*.  (Looks around at group of people, no one blesses him)  No one’s going to bless me, huh?  That was a one of a kind squid.  Half expect the old man to start going on about the ides of March next.

Old man:  Those who plunder… will run asunder.

Duke:  The compass tells us we’re going due north… *shakes it* there’s no way this thing is broken is there?

(Captain grabs compass and throws it into water)

Duke:  That’s my grandfathers!

Captain:  Well your grandpa oughta have taught you to trust your instincts.  Do you think my years of expertise could so easily be replaced by a simple little gadget like that?

Duke:  I think you just about crossed the line, Captain.

Captain:  What are you going to do about it, shrimp?

Duke:  I could easily kill you in your sleep.  Or steal your precious picture of your wife you’re always ogling.  You’d do better to never look at that picture again.

Captain:  Watch yourself, Duke.  You’re treading on thin ice.

(Old man moans)

Duke:  Hey I think he’s dead.

Arnold is another shiphand who doesn’t talk much. 

Arnold:  Why’d you put him in my bed?  I’m the only one who does any kind of work around here and after slaving for 20 hours…

(Before anyone can say anything, Arnold picks up the body and walks out onto the deck)

Duke:  Whoa what are you doing?

Captain:  I think he’s overreacting.

(He runs into the door with him trying to carry him through it lengthwise.  A crystal falls out of his pocket)

Captain grabs it, it glows

Duke:  The boon? 

The light leads the captain out onto the dock, it points westward

Duke:  According to legend, this is supposed to point us toward the unkown.

Captain:  We’re already in the unknown.  Water, as far as the eye can see.  Like the tundra.

Duke:  Well if we follow that light, it might take us to something even less familiar.

Captain:  Less familiar than what?  I know this water well.

Duke:  Like land, Captain.

(Don is at telescope looking out at land)

Don:  I don’t like this, look at the buildings.  They’re taller than we’re used to.

Captain:  Tall buildings a problem for you?  You can stay on the ship if you want to.  I’m going to kiss the land.

Duke:  Now let’s not let what happened last time happen again, Captain.

Captain:  What happened last time?

Duke:  We were on land for months!  You completely disappeared the first few weeks.

Captain:  We spend months at sea, we spend months on land.  It’s only fair.

Duke:  This might be life for you, but I’m supposed to be back before next semester.

Captain:  Oh, right, school.  Think about it this way, Duke.  You’re getting real life experience out here.  That’s what you’re supposed to want as a scholar.  No one wants to hear stories about you sitting around on land in a library reading books.  Isn’t that why you’re here in the first place?

Duke:  I’m here studying you, I’m not a part of this.

Charles:  Isn’t this suspicious to both of you, all of a sudden land pops up?  I don’t know if it doesn’t feel like we earned it.

Captain:  You all were just complaining twenty minutes ago about the lack of food, seasickness, jaundice.  All of a sudden no one else wants to find land.

Doris: We wanted Montenegro.  Beautiful tropical paradise.  A woman could die comfortably there.  Or an old couple.

Charles:  You keep me out of this, Doris.  I will be doing no such thing. Maybe I’ll even start a new family.  Do you think there will be ladies with hanging…

Doris:  You’re the only one who’s going to be doing any hanging (hits him with hat?)

Duke:  Whatever happened with that old mans body?

(They hear a splash)

Arnold:  Yeah sorry it took me a minute.  I’m throwing out all of the sheets and the mattress as well.

Captain:  Why don’t you just switch with the bunk above yours?

Arnold:  I’m not sleeping underneath where an old man died.  He’s going to haunt us for sure.

Duke:  He’s already haunting me.  I’m shocked you guys are so unaffected by the death of a person on this ship.

Captain:  He’s not one of mine.

Duke:  Oh so you’re into the pirate morality now?  Great.

Charles:  Someone died on this ship?!

Captain:  It’s alright it was peaceful.  Probably natural causes.

Doris:  I don’t like people dying on my ship!

Captain:  Maybe I pick up a whole new crew here.  Some worthy seaman.

Doris:  Some cruise this has been.  We get attacked by a giant squid, find an old man inside, and then he dies.

Captain:  Well atleast he left us this rock. 

Duke:  Hey, I think it’s giving away our location.  Look, they’re gathering on the shore.

(Don comes running out)

Don:  We can’t go this way, turn the ship around.

Captain:  What, do you recognize something?

Don:  No, I just have a bad feeling about this.

Captain:  We’ll do no such thing.

Don:  I was hoping I wouldn’t have to do this.  (grabs Duke)  I’ll kill him, you know I’ll do it.

Captain: Makes no difference to me.  You really should have grabbed me.  But then I don’t know who you’d negotiate with.

Don:  Turn the wheel

Captain:  No.  Besides, that isn’t even how ships work.  I turn the wheel, it slowly maneuvers around.  It’s not like I can do a Y turn and turn around, we’re 200 feet away.